Fish in a Barrel: Don Cherry

Posted on December 9, 2010

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The bad news is that Rob Ford is still mayor of Toronto, having failed to fall victim to a convenient lightning strike, federal indictment or lucrative job offer someplace else. The good news is that he keeps serving up good blog material on a silver platter. His latest craziness happened at his inauguration ceremony. You know, the event where politics are supposed to be cast aside as the newly elected city politicians pledge to work together as best they can.

Yeah…Not so much.

This is the man that Rob Ford chose to introduce him.

Rob Ford is the man that Torontonians chose to govern their city.

Take a moment to let that sink in.

But let’s give Don Cherry the doubt, for just a moment. After all, he’s just an Ordinary Canadian (TM), who speaks plain and believes in common-sense, unlike us silly Chattering Classes (TM) who like to needlessly complicate matters with things like science, tolerance, and basic literacy. I’m going to go through Don Cherry’s speech, and see if it has contains anything worthwhile that may have been missed by the liberal media.

Actually I’m wearing pink for all the pinkos out there that ride bicycles and everything.

Aaaand we’re off to a good start. Apparently there is a strong correlation between cycling and communism.

See that guy with the corporate logos all over him? Total commie.

Never mind that by choosing to bike rather than drive, cyclists are forgoing their share of one of the city’s biggest municipal welfare programs. Nope. They’re all a bunch of Marxists.

I thought I’d get it in. What’d ya expect, Ron MacLean, here? To come here?

Not particularly. I don’t normally expect sportscasters to have any role in political ceremony. Somebody with a high school education would be nice, though.

You know, I am befuddled, because I thought I was just doing a good thing, coming down with Ron—Rob—and I was gonna do this here, and it was gonna be nice and the whole deal.

Wait…Did he just slip up on the first name of the person he’s supposed to be introducing?

I’ve been bein’ ripped to shreds by the left-wing pinko newspapers out there. It’s unbelievable. One guy called me a pink…a jerk in a pink suit, so I thought I’d wear that for him too, today.

It’s not really the pink suit that’s the relevant part of that statement. I think most of us are more concerned with the “jerk” part.

You know, it’s funny. In those articles I was made fun of ’cause I go to church. I’m easy to do it that way. And I was called maudlin for the troops, because I honor the troops. This is the kinda, uh… You’re gonna be facin’, Rob, with these left-wing pinkos. They scrape the bottom of the barrel, but AGAIN, I was asked, why I was asked, and I asked Doug, “why?” And he said: “We need a famous, good-looking guy.” And I said, I’m your man, right? Right off the bat.

A quick google search for “Don Cherry Church” yields nothing but references from the very speech I’m writing about. The internet has no record of anybody making fun of Grapes’ religion. Same thing for “Don Cherry Troops“. Despite the fact that Cherry’s idea of supporting the troops is to have them stay in a war zone where they are far more likely to be shot or blown up, nobody has really called him out on this. You know what really counts as scraping the bottom of the barrel? Making up strawman ad hominems against yourself and then acting all persecuted.

Also, “I’m easy to do it that way” isn’t even close to being a meaningful sentence. Just saying.

You know, I was asked: why, why, why [the] landslide. And I was in their corner right from the start. They phoned me. Doug phoned me, the morning. They’ll get a landslide! And why? Because Rob’s honest. He’s truthful. He’s like Julian Fantino. What you see is what you get. He’s no phony.

I’ve never quite understood why honesty is considered such a game-changing quality for politicians. Everybody is at least a little bit disingenuous; particularly when their career is concerned. When was the last time you wrote a cover letter which told your prospective employer precisely what they can expect after they hire you? Don’t get me wrong-honesty is definitely a positive asset in a politician. When push comes to shove, however, I would much prefer competence.

I’m going to illustrate this point with elementary school social dynamics. Remember that skeezy kid who would always misrepresent what he had to offer you in lunchtime snack trades? The kid who, in order to get your fruit roll up, would offer you his bag of chips, while conveniently neglecting to tell you that it was only half-full? That’s your typically disingenuous politician who makes promises and doesn’t follow through on them. That kid, however, was much less hated than the bully, who promised to throw mud at you, and then followed through on his promise by actually throwing mud at you. Rob Ford is the bully. Given the things Ford has promised to do, I think I’d actually prefer it if he was disingenuous.

And I could go on right now, all the millions and millions and thousands of dollars he’s gonna save and everything,

Millions and millions and thousands? Does Don Cherry understand place value? Maybe his speech would be more coherent if he had coached a game with higher average scores.

but I’d just like to tell a little story that was in the Sun, I think it was in the back pages. It was just a little, little thing. And Fiona Crean, for eighteen months, has been trying to get something done with City Hall. And then the story—I think some of you know the story—that there was a little old lady and all of a sudden she got banged on the door and two guys were there and said: “We’re cutting your tree down.” You know that’s just a little thing, but to me that’s a big thing. “We’re cutting your tree down!”

And she’s, well: “I don’t want it. That’s my favourite tree. A hundred year-old…”

“No! It’s down. Cut it down.” And then they give her, send her a bill for five-thousand dollars, for cutting it down. And for eighteen months her son and Fiona were: “City Hall. City Hall. Please help us.” Thirty, forty calls. Unbelievable. Nothing. Laughed at. Rob’s the mayor one day, apology comes, and a five-thousand-dollar cheque.

That’s a nice anecdote. I presume that means that if I get hit by a truck because there is no bike lane on Queen Street (a fate WAY worse than having your favourite tree chopped down), I can get told it’s my own fault without any delay!

And that’s why I say he’s gonna be the greatest mayor this city has ever, ever seen, as far as I’m concerned! And put that in your pipe, you left-wing kooks.

Well, you’ve sure got us there, Don. Not only will he save millions and thousands of dollars, but he’ll also tell us up front that he will be eliminating or privatizing all the city’s useful services, and he’s extremely punctual at dealing with mis-allocated work orders for tree removal. I guess us left-wing kooks should just shut up and accept that a mayor with these exemplary qualities can only be good for the city.

Thank you very much.

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